“Forgiveness is, above all, a personal choice, a decision of the heart to go against the instinct to pay back evil with evil. The measure of such a decision is the love of God, who draws us to Himself despite our sins. It has its perfect exemplar in the forgiveness of Christ, who on the Cross prayed: ‘Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do’ (Lk 23:34).

Because “forgiveness” is a familiar term in English, we might assume everyone knows what it means. But philosophers and theologians have long debated what forgiveness really is and what it requires. The idea that God forgives sin raises challenging theological issues that touch upon matters at the heart of Christian faith and life.  It’s important to remember that forgiveness scriptures like Matthew 6:14 remind us that since God forgives us, we, too, must offer forgiveness to those who have wronged us. This is an essential and convicting message for us all.

In essence, forgiveness is choosing to release the offender from the debt they rightfully owe you. It’s deciding not to hold their wrong against them, seeking revenge, or let bitterness take root in your heart. As Christians, we forgive by faith out of obedience to God – whether the person deserves it.

• Step 1: Acknowledge. Acknowledge the hurt. Who hurt you, and why did they do it? What is the context of the situation, and how long ago did this happen?
•  Step 2: Consider. Consider how the hurt and pain have affected you. “consider” is key here because it involves thinking before deciding. Before deciding whether you will forgive this person, consider the negative feelings you have acquired since the incident. How has the pain changed you? How detrimental was the person’s mistake to your life or someone else?
• Step 3: Accept. Accept that you cannot change the past. No matter how much you wish this pain could be reversed. Admit to yourself that your anger toward the person will not redeem what they have done. During this step, you must thoughtfully consider whether you want to forgive.
• Step 4: Determine. Determine whether you will forgive. This is when the forgiveness process will either begin or end. This decision should not be made lightly, as it will determine the future of your relationship with this person.
• Step 5: Repair Repair the relationship with the person who wronged you. Before any act of forgiveness or reconciliation, rebuild the connection you used to have with this person. In most cases, you will be the instigator of this repair, but if you have thoughtfully engaged in the previous four steps, there is a higher chance of success. Note that you are repairing the relationship, not restoring it. It will likely take more time for the relationship to return to normal, whatever that may look like to you. Acts of repairing can include kind words, simple gestures, or even gifts.
• Step 6: Learn. Learn what forgiveness means to you. Until now, you have probably thought that forgiveness is more for their benefit than yours. But once the relationship is on the path to restoration and you have given yourself time to accept the reality of the past, forgiveness is a way for you to find closure—closure that means something.
• Step 7: Forgive. Forgive the person who wronged you. In some cases, this will be silent. You may be compelled to verbally forgive the person, even if you do not expect a kind response. However, if you have followed through on the previous steps, their reaction will not matter. What will matter is that you have found a way to let go and move on.

by Fr. Bart Landry, C.S.P.

.Examination of Conscience